• Are you a flirt?
• Do you blow hot and cold?
• Do you have a wandering eye?
• Are you secretive or withdrawn, maybe even emotionally unavailable?
• Are you engaging with an ex who you know still wants to get back with you? Or do you have an ambiguous friendship where you behave as if you’re their partner?

If you’re doing any of the above, as uncomfortable as it might be to hear, you are gaslighting your partner if you’re downplaying or even dismissing their concerns.

Flirting with others, for example, might seem OK to you because, in your mind, it’s not as if you action it. You might not call it ‘flirting’; you might say that you’re ‘just chatting’ or ‘having a laugh’. But if you’re doing this and then telling your partner that it’s all in their imagination, you’re messing with their head. Same for if you’re calling them insecure, needy or dramatic.

If you have something to take responsibility for in this, it’s time for an honest conversation with yourself (and them) about what you’re doing together.

If you’re not doing any of the above, but maybe your partner accuses you of cheating because, for example, you hang out with your friends instead of being with him/her all the time, again, try to get a sense of whether this relationship is workable. They may have very unrealistic expectations.

Misconstruing a communication gap

Been super busy at work lately? Maybe a bit blk date too self-absorbed? Privately worried about something and finding yourself being closed off? Got a surprise in the pipeline and being secretive?

If your partner isn’t used to the you that you are when you are anxious or overwhelmed, the distance from the lack of communication can be misconstrued as something else.

Yes, they could do with not jumping to the worst conclusion. Still, intimacy is vital to the health and wealth of your relationship. Shutting down cuts that off.

You might be very aware that you withdraw into yourself when you’re super-stressed or that you need time to download, or that you’re rubbish at asking for help. Your partner isn’t a mind reader though.

They are cheating (or thought about it)

Do you know what projection is? It’s taking your hidden feelings, thoughts and actions and then calling them someone else’s.

For example, if your partner felt sexually attracted to someone at a party but then shoved down their feelings, including their guilt, it might seep out in them questioning whether you are having an affair or drawn to others.

And shady folk, so people who at best, take advantage and at worst, abuse you, base their accusations of what they think you’re doing on their actions. It’s just plain ole guilty conscience and gaslighting.

If your partner is someone who is very fearful about cheating because they were cheated on or they watched their parents’ relationship(s) crumble under it, that’s about their emotional baggage, including their beliefs about relationships.

Unless you have strong reason to believe that they are cheating (and there will be evidence in their character and actions), don’t assume that their accusations are projections.

The dark side of being made guilty without a cause

Some people when they find themselves on the receiving end of someone who habitually accuses them of cheating, eventually decide that if the person isn’t going to believe them, they might as well do it anyway. While I understand the frustration, this isn’t the way to handle the situation.